Gratitude:
To start Little has been sleeping much better the last few nights. We moved him to a toddler bed and when he gets up at night he comes for a hug and returns to his bed. I guess he just needed to feel like he had a choice in the matter... who knows? I am full up on gratitude for the past few nights of mostly uninterrupted rest.
Mom & Mother, yes with a capital M:
Next I have been working on a book for Big for his birthday. I thought I should finish compiling all of my notes and thoughts from the first ten years of his life. I plan to list 111 Big memories in honor of his 11th birthday. For some reason I thought this would be a difficult task... it is not at all. As I let my mind go I have 1,111+ Big memories, the hard part will be narrowing them down.
On the topic of memories; I had a conversation yesterday with a very dear Mom friend, I mentioned the Big book and she shared with me that her Mother had saved EVERYTHING from her life and her brother's lives. She talked about how her brothers are not that into have their old Scout uniforms, track jerseys, art pieces and every sparkling trophy and as much as she can appreciate the sentiments my Mom friend was clear, "I don't want all of their stuff in my house either."
Her Mother held onto the parts of their lives that honored their successes. She collected these pieces of their childhood in a way to preserve the journey and in a way to acknowledge what had come before their present selves. I am not saying that Moms that do not save every bit don't love their children. My own Mom was just saying how she wished she HAD held on to more of the little pieces of my sister and me along the way... I don't question that she loves me in the absence of my fifth grade Science Fair poster board, but sometimes I too wish I had a few more pieces of my history cluttering up a corner of my basement.
I hold on to things. Some items I plan to re-purpose, other things I hold on to until I find just the right person to pass it along to. Some treasures are mine alone and yet others I will offer to my boys one day. I am certain they won't want all of that "old junk" either, but I hold onto it because I really savor my children. I love the way they smell (yes, even as Big takes on big-boy aromas). I love how their personalities evolve, their voices and vocabulary change. I love their humor. I love their serious times. I love listening to them breathe. I love the big, big questions as well as the little ones. I love how Little challenges me in ways that Big never would have. I love that Big still hugs the Moms goodbye when he leaves any given play date and always says thank you. I love that the distance in their ages allows me to be acutely aware of how quickly the time passes from one stage to the next.
I was reminded in that conversation with my Mom friend how close she and her Mother are. She was able to laugh about her Mother's sentimental nature with an honesty that comes from of real friendship. In a stunning twist this very dear Mom friend was delivered a blow the very night of our conversation. Her Mother, her best friend and confidant passed suddenly and without warning of a heart valve rupture. I am sure my Mom friend would trade all of those mementos for one more second with her Mom - but those mementos are items her Mother cherished as milestones marking the lives of her children - the very people she grew within her. Her Mother was free with her love for them, even without the mementos- they knew she adored them, but still she collected items of reflection - a shrine of her love for them.
There are many things I would do different in my life, but being with our boys everyday is not one of them. Taking time to adore them as well as preserve some of their history will never be moments wasted. I hope to pass on to my boys some wisdom and a lot of passion along with the mementos. They will know it as adults that I love them deeply, even without boxes of stuff... but I plan to leave them treasures anyway but not too many as I don't have a lot of storage space.
Moms- hug your kids twice tonight for all of the Moms who cannot.
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Friday, January 20, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Choose Happiness!
So this is a post I saw in an email forwarded to me and I am not sure of the source... but what a great resource for all of us & in light of the lack of sleep I have been getting, I needed some reminders - life is short, moments are fleeting, (even the most sleep deprived ones)and choose happiness.
From: An Anonymous (but wise!) Source
For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives. People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality.
I learned never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard/much.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never
became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a
result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical
details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end.
That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again. When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.
Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.
From: An Anonymous (but wise!) Source
For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives. People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality.
I learned never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard/much.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never
became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a
result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical
details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end.
That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again. When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.
Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.
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